I said I would get back to my personal madness later… It’s later.

I have really slid backwards lately. I’m drinking too much again and have generally been my old self, the one I don’t like (and no one else does either). I haven’t been able to figure out why. The divorce? The job? My relationship? I was really happy for like 6-8 weeks, then suddenly, not so much.

I don’t understand why I can’t be happy. I don’t understand why I went to a bar Monday night, it never leads to anything good. I just want to be normal again or at least as normal as I was 2 weeks ago. I should be happy, things are going well in my life (job, girlfriend, kids) but I can’t seem to grab on to happiness and make it last.

I am readingThe Heroine Diaries, Nikki Sixx’s first book. I’m really enjoying it, but holy shit he was fucked up. I will not pretend to be on his level, I’ve never done heroine. But I can relate to the premise of the book. The crazy shit we can do to ourselves as we sink deeper down the rabbit hole.

I thought maybe I was just sinking back into my head reading all the madness in Sixx’s book. But then I read a passage where he talks about Prozac saving his life and it occurred to me that I’ve been off my meds for days. I’m supposed to take them at bedtime but invariably, I’m out-of-town or just out and can’t remember to take them. So I took my pill this morning and I’ll be damned if I don’t feel a ton better. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe this time I can recover.

Hope I don’t fuck things up…